What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
