I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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