From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Pooping to opera.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
