Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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