dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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