Taylor Swift is so right about you.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
You can't motorboat a personality
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I want her autograph on my taint
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize