I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
