Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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