Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
A bitchslap is in order.
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