Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
