it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Randomize
