Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
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I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
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I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
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