How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
