What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
