One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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