im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
