I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
