I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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