He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
