you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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