Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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