saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Man, jail baloney is awful.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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