the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
