OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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