did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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