Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
