If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
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