i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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