life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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