I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
