I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
