I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
