I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
