maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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