You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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