she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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