a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
