I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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