3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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