Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
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