Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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