I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
