I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
