Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Sorry about my life...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
