I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
