i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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