i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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