He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
