how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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