I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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