oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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