When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
