there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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