Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
