I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
