I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
