I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Randomize
